Just an Update

 Hey guys, I’m back. Today I just wanted to write and be real about the past few months. My grandmother was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis November of last year. Being a diabetic, the doctor said she wasn’t eligible for a replacement liver. A month later she was moved into my house on palliative care. I started to get bad anxiety and panic attacks. I had no motivation. I found myself slipping out of touch with everybody.
 The worst part was the things I dreamt of accomplishing, seemed unreachable to me. I auditioned for two different plays and each time I was a shaking mess because of my anxiety. I just kept doubting myself. I wasn’t good enough to achieve my goals. At least that’s what the voice in the back of my head was saying. I would write poetry some nights to cope, but I felt empty. And then I got sick.

 It started as a small cold. My immune system, however, was completely shot, and couldn’t fight off the other germs in the area. So when one sickness ended another would begin. This made my January at school very interesting. What does a girl who has been sick for two weeks straight and is still sick do when having to go back to school because finals are coming up and she needs to be there? She goes into survival mode.

 That’s what I’ve been doing since then. Surviving. I wish I could say I’m much better now. I wish I could be writing a whole motivational speech about how I overcame all this. But I didn’t overcome. I’m still sick. I still have bad anxiety. And I still have been withdrawn from people. I’m tired of it, but I’m not sure how to move forward. Grandma’s still kicking, but her condition is like walking a tightrope. All the doctors can do is keep her stable. That, however, is getting nearly impossible. It’s been rough.

 I hope to post more often. I know I want to keep blogging, but I’m not sure how much I can keep up with right now, realistically. I just know that my close relationship with Netflix needs to lessen a bit. I just hope by forcing myself to do the things I loved again I’ll get back that excited feeling about life. Anyways, I have to end this here so I can go empty the dishwasher. Chores have really bad timing, don’t they? Bye.

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